Care and Feeding of Your Piano | William Shunn | The Piltdown Review

Care and Feeding of Your Piano

Care and Feeding of Your Piano

1.1 Warning!

While the personalized interactive hypertextual nature of this manual may tempt you to skip from topic to topic, skimming through or overlooking any section is strongly discouraged and furthermore may nullify some or all warranties.

See Appendix G.5 for waivers of remedy specific to your locale.

Viewed topics will be marked as you access them. DO NOT ATTEMPT TO OPERATE YOUR PIANO UNTIL YOU HAVE READ ALL TOPICS AND PASSED THE CERTIFICATION QUIZ IN SECTION 12!

1.1.1 Discretionary Updates. While all you need to know for the safe operation and maintenance of your piano can be found in this manual, occasional updates and clarifications, both general and user-targeted, may be distributed from time to time. Please check regularly for updates postdating Appendix J, and for topic-specific revisions.

2.1 Welcome!

Hola, Sr. Espinoza! Congratulations on your purchase of the Maedong & Daughters pNano® cG Mark VI.2, the only autotropic concert grand piano with true Biostatic Action™. Your new piano is truly a work of art, the culmination of centuries of craft and decades of research in nanotechnology and bioengineering. With its billions of integrated naneural pathways, the pNano® cG will learn to respond over time to your own unique performance style, providing the fullest, most resonant acoustics you’ve ever experienced. In other words, the more you play it, the better it sounds!

Your piano is fully self-tuning and 100% regenerative. It never even needs to be dusted! With proper care, in fact, the pNano® cG will continue to bring pleasure and delight to your audiences well into the next century. You’ll never need another piano as long as you live!

Again, we are delighted to welcome an internationally renowned performer of your stature to the Maedong & Daughters pNano® family. We look forward to a long association!

2.3.2 Lineage. Your custom-grown pNano® cG incorporates blueprints and germ plasms licensed from the Steinway, Young Chang, and Hoepfner lines, with certain elements from Bösendorfer introduced for improved structural integrity. Though more than suited to day-to-day usage and rehearsal needs, this baby could stand up to an on-stage pounding from Maestro Liszt himself!

Complete pedigree downloadable upon request.

Addendum

K.1 Routine Maintenance Reminder

Maedong & Daughters understands how busy the life of a jet-setting, in-demand international concert artist must be! The pNano® cG, however, does best in an environment of human interaction. If your piano is intended as a home rehearsal instrument only and will not tour with you, Sr. Espinoza, please consider engaging a licensed attendant to care for it and provide it companionship in your absence. This will be money well spent, and your piano won’t go hungry!

Refer to Appendix K.2 for a customized listing of pNano® care specialists in and around Buenos Aires.

We also strongly suggest reviewing Section 3.2 and all other unviewed topics, and passing the Section 12 certification quiz.

3.2 Routine Care and Maintenance

Your piano requires regular, if only minimal, care and maintenance. Follow these simple directions to keep its finish glossy, black, and dust-free, its action and trap work supple and crisp in operation, and its strings perfectly in tune no matter the local humidity and atmospheric pressure.

3.2.1 Watering. Add 500 milliliters of water daily to Duct A, above and behind the closed fallboard.  [See Vid. 3.2(a).]  This will keep your piano’s hard and soft woods resonant, and additionally will power the Biostatic Action™ that carries nutrients to all parts of the instrument, allowing vital functions to operate smoothly.

3.2.2 Feeding. Add approximately 250 grams of nutrients daily via Duct B  [see Vid. 3.2(b)].  This will ensure structural integrity, and will keep moveable and vibrating parts alike in their ideal states of repair.

For optimal results, we recommend Maedong & Daughters pNanoForteFy® Brand Ferrofibrous Nutrient Mixture, available from better music-supply vendors or by subscription. You may also substitute materials from your own kitchen and toolshed with little to no ill effect. Be sure your mixture contains elements rich in fiber and carbohydrates (e.g., celery, corn bran, potato skins, carrot shavings), as well as the occasional small metal item (e.g., low-denomination coin or used food tin).

See Appendix C.2 for a full list of acceptable nutritional substitutes, with recipes. For the current metal content of Argentinean coinage, see Appendix C.5.

3.2.3.1 Nutrient Adjustments. Fine-tune the amount of nutrient mixture your piano requires by observing the color of the finish. If it turns a bit gray, increase the amount slightly. Should it acquire a brownish tinge, decrease the amount.

Addendum

L.1 Restatement of Damage Waiver

Please be reminded, Sr. Espinoza, that Maedong & Daughters bears no responsibility for losses or damage to your instrument or other property incurred through inattention to or neglect of its routine maintenance requirements, or pursuant to failure to properly complete the Section 12 certification quiz before operation.

For an updated listing of local licensed pNano® care specialists, standing by to assist you in every need, see Appendix K.2.

L.1.1 Damage Vector Hypothesis. Formalities aside, we regret any damage sustained by your imported Northern red oak flooring and offer our sincerest sympathies. It is unlikely, however, that the weight of your instrument is what caused the hardwood to crack and the piano’s trusses to sink several centimeters into your flooring.

In the likeliest scenario, a sustained lack of nutrient application resulted in the instrument’s seeking sustenance from the only source at hand—or at foot, as the case may be. Please refer to Section 3.2.3.2 of this manual for a refresher on the absorptive properties of your piano’s exterior surfaces (which may also shed light on the unfortunate disappearance of your precious Beethoven sonata manuscript).

3.2.3.2 External Absorption. Your piano is capable of absorbing nutrients via any external surface, but at comparatively low efficiency. This method should be reserved for the administering of occasional treats.  [See Section 7, TRAINING.]  But, for this reason, don’t worry if you spill a little food around Duct B during feeding!

3.2.3.A FUN TIP! At a cocktail party, switch your instrument into playR/pNano® mode and let it entertain your guests. It can even extrude a handy tip jar to receive donations of small coins. Fun for your guests, and a tasty treat that will help keep your piano in “tiptop” shape!

3.2.4 Waste. Excess materials are collected in a convenient bundle resembling a small hemp sack. Remove the bundle weekly via Duct C  [see Vid. 3.2(c)]  and dispose as you would of any other household refuse.

Failure to remove waste in a timely manner may result in a “clogging up” that renders your pNano® cG irritable and cranky. You may be able to relate!

Addendum

N.1 Disclaimer of Responsibility for Underperformance

We at Maedong & Daughters are saddened and distraught, Sr. Espinoza, to learn of the continued underperformance of your pNano® cG. It is our goal to produce only the finest and most reliable of precision autostatic musical instruments.

May we remind you, señor, that your piano is a magnificent instrument accustomed to the disciplined attentions of a world-class performance artist—i.e., yourself? Conditioning it to a diet of Chopin nocturnes, then abandoning it to interminable stretches of “Chopsticks” at the ungentle hands of a 12-year-old neighbor is not the path most conducive to the health and well-being of your instrument, no matter the pecuniary advantage you may achieve. A certain recalcitrance in the area of tuning is only to be expected from your pNano® cG in reaction to such a regimen.

Please let us remind you again of our listing of licensed specialists in Appendix K.2, and of the vital importance of completing the Section 12 certification quiz.

N.1.1 Companionship of Minors and Animals. Under normal circumstances, pNano® Series instruments thrive in a lively environment replete with children and household pets. However, Maedong & Daughters does not recommend subjecting your piano to the companionship of minors attended by rambunctious and vocal Yorkshire terriers, particularly those with a propensity for relieving themselves against the instrument’s trusses. Just a friendly word to the wise, as it were!

N.1.2 Other Environmental Concerns. In the further interest of cajoling your piano into a better mood, you might also consider leaving the curtains open during your periods of absence. See Section 3.2.5 for details.

3.2.5 Exposure to Sunlight. Unlike with other pianos, you are encouraged to position your pNano® cG near a window that receives full sunlight. Your instrument will be happiest in bright, energy-rich surroundings!

Addendum

Q.1 Suggested Circumscription of Repertoire

Maedong & Daughters is well aware, Sr. Espinoza, of your fame for reinterpretating the solo works of the great 20th century Modernist composers. And, may we respectfully add, richly deserved that reputation is!

May we humbly suggest, however, that until you have successfully completed your piano’s course of rebalancing therapy (as outlined in Appendix P), you limit your home rehearsals to the works of such leading Romantic figures as Beethoven, Schubert, and Mendelssohn? Even the less impressionistic works of such composers as Ravel and Debussy would be acceptable, but in its present state the polytonality and pandiatonicism typical of Stravinsky, Ives, and their ilk serve only to agitate your piano further.

Our Chief Librarian adds that under no circumstances should you rehearse your signature piece, Vincent Persichetti’s Ninth Piano Sonata.

See Appendix G.3 for a review of our liability limitations in consequence of acts expressly contravened by this manual and its addenda.

Q.2 Suggested Lack of Material Participation in Unverifiable Incidents

Further, Maedong & Daughters can neither suggest nor take responsibility for any connection explicit or implied between its product and any uncorroborated, unverifiable, and altogether improbable incidents reported by and resulting in psychological trauma to unauthorized underage caretakers verbally contracted by you in contravention of duly constituted child-labor statutes obtaining in your locality of primary residence.

We suggest you suggest the boy reexamine his admittedly jumbled memory of the events of this past October and seek his dog elsewhere. We’re certain he’ll realize that in all the excitement the little bounder must have run away.

Q.3 Suggested Modification to Nutrient Intake

As a result of recent remote diagnostic analyses, a slight modification to your piano’s routine daily nutrient intake is recommended by our Raw Materials Advisory Panel. They suggest replacing the current feed with a combination of chunked venison or other exotic meat, sweet potatoes lightly mashed, and a garnish of common grass. The relevant sections of Appendix C have been updated to reflect this change of dietary emphasis.

As a further reminder, your duly licensed local pNano® care specialists as enumerated in Appendix K.2 remain on call 24 hours a day, ready, willing, and able—nay, desperate!—to remedy your every pianistic exigency, be it ever so minor. Please.

Addendum

U.1 Reversion of Fiscal Responsibilities Incidental to Alleged Events

It is from the profound depths of our most subterranean regrets, Sr. Espinoza, that Maedong & Daughters must return the collection notices so kindly forwarded by your representatives. Though moved by the desperate plight of the young man in question and the financial straits of his family, and despite a thoroughgoing and exhaustive search, we can discover no legal pathway by which a monetary underwriting of his extended hospitalization can be compelled. We remain confident, however, that your fabled generosity will prove instrumental in bringing to a happy resolution his (allegedly) trauma-induced psychotic stupor. We have every faith in you!

U.2 Reminder of Transactional Constraints

Our concern for your reputation and good standing in the community is such, señor, that, before the embarrassment of another judicial injunction interrupts your attempts at commerce, we urge you to review Section 10.4.5.3 of this manual.

10.4.5.3 Resale and Export Limitations. Your right to resale of this product is not guaranteed. Please consult an attorney before attempting any transfer of ownership.

This product is not approved for export to Brazil, United States, Canada, Great Britain, European Union, Japan, Indian Confederacy, Pakistan, South Africa, or Dubai. Other local transactional restrictions may obtain.

Addendum

W.1 Extension of Condolences

We at Maedong & Daughters wish to extend to you, Sr. Espinoza, condolences from below the most Stygian reaches of our heavy, heavy hearts on the occasion of your so recent tragedy. With the rest of the civilized world we mourn the shattered, mangled hands that will never again thrill audiences from the greatest stages on the planet with their renditions of Liszt’s Transcendental Etudes. Your immeasurable, incalculable, incomprehensible loss is shared by us all.

W.1.1 Reassignment of Culpability. We regret to add that we must, with much weeping and wailing and rending of garments, disclaim any responsibility for the unfortunate incident in question. Independent tests (as documented in Appendix W.3) demonstrate conclusively that even in the most robust representatives of the pNano® line, the fallboard cannot snap shut on the hands of a performing pianist with sufficient speed and force to administer injuries consistent with those you suffered.

Furthermore, Argentina has no reciprocal agreement with the Central Korean Republic that would permit an attachment of assets such as that proposed by your representatives, even in the unlikely event that culpability had been demonstrated.

May we add, with the most abject acknowledgment of our entire and utter unworthiness, that we advised you not to attempt the Persichetti?

Addendum

Z.1 Confirmation of Pending Contractual Termination

Maedong & Daughters is delighted, Sr. Espinoza, to offer compensation totaling the full original purchase price of your pNano® cG times twenty upon reclamation of said instrument. An additional payment in like amount to the family of the troubled and self-destructive young man will follow, may he rest in peace at last.

Neither transaction should be construed in any way as admission of liability of any sort on the part of Maedong & Daughters or any of its subsidiaries, assignees, or agents.

For your part, we trust you will effect the total and immediate termination of any and all advertisements for children’s piano lessons in the Korean-language periodicals of Buenos Aires. We further express our every confidence in your ability to direct the ambassador to a suitably advanced substitute tutor for superintending the continued studies of his beloved young daughter.

Our thanks to you for what has been a most stimulating and instructive association! We look forward to informing you that our extraction team is clear and your apartment is once more safe for habitation.  

shortlink: dogb.us/piano

          

               

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